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This drive to bond is innate, not learned. Instead, babies enter the world small and helpless, and require years of nurturing and guarding before they are self sustaining. It would be easier to abandon such troublesome newborns, so what makes an adult stick around and assume the onerous and exhausting task of parenting? Babies come with a repertoire of behaviours—gazing, smiling, crying, smiling, clinging, reaching—that draw care and closeness from adults. So when baby boy bawls from hunger and stretches out his arms, Mom picks him up and feeds him.
And when Dad coos or makes funny faces at baby girl, she kicks her legs, waves her arms, and babbles back. And round and round in a two-way feedback loop. This is a complete distortion of adult love. Romantic love is not the least bit illogical or random. It is the continuation of the ordered and wise recipe for our survival. We can use mental images of our partner to call up a sense of connection.
Thus, if we are upset, we can remind ourselves that our partners love us and imagine them reassuring and comforting us. The Dalai Lama conjures up images of his mother when he wants to stay calm and centered. And also to love that lasts. Monogamy is not a myth.
Or the Floor. As a result, we myopically pour massive amounts of energy and money into spicing up our sex life. The growing craze for Internet porn is a catastrophe for love relationships precisely because it abjures emotional connection. It is secure attachment, what Nature set us up for, that makes love persist.
Trust helps us over the rough places that crop up in every relationship. Moreover, our bodies are designed to produce a slew of chemicals that bond us tightly to our loved ones. Monogamy is not only possible, it is our natural state.
Books by Alexandra Katehakis
Our world has long insisted that healthy adulthood requires being emotionally independent and self-sufficient, that we, in essence, draw an emotional moat around ourselves. And we look with suspicion at romantic partners who evince too much togetherness. In consequence men and women today feel ashamed of their natural need for love, comfort, and reassurance. They see it as weakness. Again, this is backwards. Far from being a sign of frailty, strong emotional connection is a sign of mental health. It is emotional isolation that is the killer.
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
The surest way to destroy people is to deny them loving human contact. Early studies discovered that 31 to 75 percent of institutionalized children expired before their third birthday. More recent studies of adopted Romanian orphans, who had spent up to 20 hours a day unattended in their cribs, found that many suffer from brain abnormalities, impaired reasoning ability, and extreme difficulty in relating to others.
Adults are similarly demolished. Prisoners in solitary confinement develop a complex of symptoms, including paranoia, depression, severe anxiety, hallucinations, and memory loss. The idea that we can go it alone defies the natural world. We are like other animals—we need ties to others to survive.
Books Every Woman Should Read - Essential Books to Read Before You Die
Married men and women generally live longer than do their single peers. We need emotional connection not only to survive, but to thrive. We are actually healthier and happier when we are close and connected. Consistent emotional support lowers blood pressure and bolsters the immune system. It appears to reduce the death rate from cancer and the incidence of heart and infectious disease.
Welcome To The Movement
Patients who have coronary bypass surgery are three ties more likely to be alive 15 years later—if they are married. A good relationship, says psychologist Bert Uchino of the University of Utah, is the single best recipe for good health and the most powerful antidote to aging. He notes that 20 years of research with thousands of subjects shows how the quality of our social support predicts general mortality as well as mortality from specific disorders, such as heart disease.
In terms of mental health, close connection is the strongest predictor of happiness, much more so than making lots of money or winning the lottery. It also significantly lessens susceptibility to anxiety and depression and makes us more resilient to stress and trauma.
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Eighteen months after the tragedy, they showed fewer signs of PTSD, less depression, and their friends considered them more mature and better adjusted than they had been prior to the cataclysmic event. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people. Like Darwin with his list of reservations, many of us think of love as limiting, narrowing our options and experiences. But it is exactly the reverse. A secure bond is the launching pad for us to go out and explore the unknown and grow as human beings. It is hard to be open to new experiences when our attention and energy are bound up in worry about our safety, much easier when we know that someone has our back.
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Thus fortified, we become imbued with confidence in ourselves and our ability to handle new challenges. Young professional women, for example, who are emotionally close to their partners and seek their reassurance are more confident in their skills and more successful at reaching their career goals. It is an ironic paradox: being dependent makes us more independent.
Our innate tendency is to feel with and for others. We are a naturally empathetic species.
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This part of our nature can be overridden or denied, but we are wired to be caring of others. Readers have found this book to be simple, yet effective. One reader noted that she has "only been saying the affirmations for 5 days now and I am already seeing results. You will feel uplifted after reading through this book, especially if you have a certain part of your body that you are unhappy with and want to work on.
This is a great book for healing emotional pain and trauma. The author fills the chapters with warmth and empathy to give you hope while you learn how to ease any emotional pain in your life. Kehr details stories of patients in treatment for psychotherapy.
He recounts their thoughts and feelings to unveil what is going on in their minds during these mental struggles. One reader reports that this book offers "a real insight into what happens behind the door in the office of an experienced expert clinician, one who listens to his patients and gets to the core of problem first.
This is a great book for people who are experiencing emotional stress as well as for those who love someone who is going through this turmoil. Readers have found this book to be insightful and revealing and a great resource for you to use to heal yourself or those you love. This book focuses on leaving insecurities and self-criticism behind. You will finish this book feeling as if you are able to achieve your highest potential and live a more happy and fulfilled life. Neff offers exercises and specific plans for handling emotional struggles, addressing everything from parenting and work-related issues to weight loss.
Readers from their teens to mature adults have been able to find wisdom in this book. Says one reviewer, "Of all the books on my self-help shelf, Kristin Neff's Self Compassion just might be my absolute favorite. Christopher Germer uses this book to teach you how to accept your difficult emotions even though we all want to avoid pain. Allowing ourselves to feel those emotions and responding with compassion to our imperfections are critical steps to take on a path to self-love.
This practical guide explains the science and practice of developing self-compassion and offers creative and grounded strategies for putting the practices into action. Like other readers, you will learn why you haven't been able to overcome your anxieties and learn a new approach to accepting yourself without judgment. This book offers a step-by-step guide to learning mindfulness-based techniques that will make you feel happier with your life.
If you often find yourself stressed out or having negative thoughts, this book will teach you how having self-compassion will help improve your health, increase your sense of inner peace, provide you with emotional stability, and bring more happiness to your life. Readers appreciate the cutting-edge research the author includes in this book to show that anyone can strengthen their self-love through practice and increase their mental health and wellness.
After reading this book, you will learn how to spend just half an hour each day for two weeks focusing on three practices that will change your life. Readers have found that the practices outlined in this book help manage their anxiety and depression and become more resilient after enduring life's hardships. One reader noted that she very much appreciates that there are 15 audio recordings by the author that are available through his website, and they are not only practical but also customizable to fit into your daily schedule. Brene Brown helps you realize that you are enough by helping you explore your courage and compassion.
While today's society may make you feel inadequate with its demands, the truth is that you are good enough to excel in this world. As a professional, Dr. Brown shares with you what she has learned from years of research on the power of engaging with the world as a worthy person. Using ten guideposts, Dr.
Brown will engage your mind and your emotions as she teaches you how to develop the motivation that you need to wake up each morning knowing that you are enough. She also teaches you that while you may have imperfections, you are brave enough to overcome them. One reader of this book who was initially skeptical of self-love books said, "I think I can guarantee that something in this book will profoundly change you.
This book makes the strong argument that imperfection is freedom from feeling the daily, intense pressures that our society puts on us. You will learn simple techniques to develop unshakable confidence that will improve your performance in all aspects of your life and get rid of the unrealistic expectations that you may have once held for yourself. Imperfectionists are able to lead happier and healthier lives than those who stress out over every move they make.